im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize