Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
