textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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