i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
