So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
