I looked at my own cervix.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
40s are totally the cure
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
