did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
