I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
