things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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