My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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