i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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