you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
