I'm jealous of your bromance
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
