apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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