She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
