I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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