ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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