I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
