When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize