she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
