He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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