I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
