YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
