The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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