dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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