John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
