There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I need moral support for this bender
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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