I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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