he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
