dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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