I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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