i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
