I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
