Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
