Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
