He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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