Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
