everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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