i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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