Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
