the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
