no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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