when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
