the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
