i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
