i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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