I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
