did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
