thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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