i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
