Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
