Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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