i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
