tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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