new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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