It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
