i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So much Jack, so little girl.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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