in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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