someone threw a dead crab at me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize