WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
