ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
