I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
